Every Halloween we get a handful of the kids too old to be trick or treating but too young to give up on the prospect of all the free candy you can collect in a three hour period. They usually show up late at night, out of breath from running house to house in an attempt to top last year’s haul and wearing pseudo costumes like jeans and a sweatshirt. “What are you?” “Juvenile Delinquent.” “Clever.”

It’s when these kids show up that I wish I had a special bowl of candy filled with really crappy stuff. All the crappy candy that I never ate as a kid…all the candy that sat in the bottom of my trick-or-treat bag until well after Thanksgiving. The candy I ate reluctantly, months later, in a desperate attempt to quell the sugar shakes and other withdrawal symptoms that affect 10 year olds on a steady diet of fun-sized almond joys, smarties and Slo Pokes. (Imagine an addict crawling on their hands and knees picking through carpet fibers searching desperately for a grain of coke that may have fallen, finding something that slightly resembles coke and snorting it anyway only to find out it was a clump of Carpet Fresh. That was me at the bottom of the Halloween candy bag.)

So where does one find crappy candy these days? We're talking about those orange and black wax wrapped peanut-nougatty chew things, or "Bit-O-Honey." Maybe I’ll drop a handful of bazooka and Pal in their pillowcases -- gum that softens only after an hour of sucking. I think, maybe the tall kid, the one with the ski mask pushed up onto his forehead because he couldn’t breath and run, will actually break a tooth. I imagine this tooth hanging there, still connected to the other teeth by the wires from his braces. Or, Now and Laters. I’ll send their saliva glands into spit spurting spasms of pain! And then there’s always nasty ass Neccco waffers and Circus Peanuts, but even I’m not that cruel.

So, where do I go? (They probably sell all this stuff at Target and I would have noticed had I not been so damn stressed out about buying the condoms...) Hey! I'll give the kids the condoms! There you go. One for you. One for you. Have fun. Fuck safe.

Comments

[KY Girl]

Oh how I despised the bit o honey! But my dad did enjoy the orange and black candy, which I never quite understood. You should buy some Dots--those never seem to go over well. Do you remember sugar babies and sugar daddies? I don't even know if they make them anymore, but the sugar daddy was basically an incredibly hard and sticky piece of caramel on a stick that would stick to your braces and teeth for days. Plus, the name amuses me now. No only would it break the tooth of the tall kid, but you may get lucky and see him with the stick hanging off of his tooth too (the caramel definitely doesn't come off of the stick).
Does Beck have a costume?

[AVERAGE JOE]

dude... I LOVED bit-o-honey! It was the weirdest candy ever, but so good. Do they still have the little bee on the package?

[Xdm]

Joe,

http://www.oldtimecandy.com/bit-o-honey.htm

I forgot how much it looked like turds. Mmmm...chew away...

[AVERAGE JOE]

turds with almond chips embedded right in. :P