Target: He shoots! He....

Despite my general willingness to perpetuate trite Irish stereotypes such as drinking at funerals, I don't need two children nine months apart. It is for this reason that on Sunday afternoon I purchased, for the first time, a box of condoms. Kudos to anyone that does this on a regular basis because I found it incredibly hard, so to speak. I walked past with a side glance on the first try, turned and inspected the Clear Blue Easy and ovulation predictors on the second attempt (which was a pretty weak ruse and anyone with half a brain could have seen right through it given the Enfamil and the Pampers Swaddlers already in the cart), and on the third pass I reached over and grabbed a bright blue box of Trojans. Thank you, Trojans, for making your packaging so subtle. No one will ever notice that it says TROJANS in 72-point font. I casually tossed it in the cart and then, once in the next aisle in front of the slightly less embarrassing toothbrushes, I rearranged everything so that the five bags of Halloween candy covered it. I know. I'm a loser. I probably brought more attention to myself trying to be all sly - - walking slowly up and down the aisle, looking over my shoulder.... I'm sure no one noticed me but the khaki-clad Target rent-a-cop manning the security cameras in a dark back room. "Hey! Let's zoom in on that girl pretending not to buy condoms!" Prior to my bold move, while examining the feminine hygiene products looking more interested in my period than pregnancy prevention, an average looking guy came up beside me, selected his own box of condoms, placed it casually in his red basket, then continued with his shopping. While I admired his purchasing confidence and obvious brand loyalty, I immediately imagined this average looking guy on top of an average looking girl having sex and it was very disturbing. It was for this very reason, this image of a stranger effing his girlfriend in my head, that I waited until no one was around - -no easy feat on a Sunday afternoon - - to grab my box and go. No one saw me! No one that is but the khaki-clad Target rent-a-cop manning the security cameras in a dark back room now imagining me having sex...

Comments

[J]

Man, I know that feeling, kind of. It was like the time I had to buy cold medicine, tampons (i hate that word!), pads and panthose for my wife, all on one trip. I felt like everyone was watching me, too. I knew the butcher who handed me my steaks saw my cart and thought, "queer" (or worse, "my kind of guy'). I could feel the eyes of Beavis and Butthead in the security room, tight focus on me, the perv in aisle 4, filling up on stuff to further his delusion quest to be a complete woman. I wanted to explain to the nice, oval shaped woman behind the checkout that I was on an errand for my wife, really, because she was in a huge hurry before a trip and that I owed her for the time she bought me condoms before I left on my trip. To make it worse, I was smelly from a workout, wearing a beat up old Packers sweatshirt, looking kind of questionable anyway, so I was doubly sure the store detectives were checking their databases for warnings about guys like me, the crystal meth making, cross-dressing pre-op. i'm sure, in the end, nobody noticed me either, X. And I promised my wife that i'd never ask her to buy me prophylactics again.

[bundy]

Kids...kids...http://www.condomdepot.com/

Shop away. And take time to read about them. It's not nearly as fun as trying to get away with it at the store though. The internet can be so impersonal.

[Xdm]

J - Quick question:

Why did you need condoms for a business trip? And how on earth did you get your wife to buy them for you? What does one say, "No honey, they're for when I get BACK..."

[j]

>>Why did you need...

she was traveling out to meet me the next day.