I’m back to work on Monday and I’m not ready. If you had asked me three months ago when I was fat with baby if I would ever consider being a stay at home mom I would have replied no. What I do has always been an important part of who I am. With the arrival of Beck, so much has changed. Now who I have made is the important part of who I am. Projects, clients and teams will come and go but this child is here to stay and I am sometimes overwhelmed by the responsibility and importance of my new job.
When we were childless, we had friends who told us that you don’t know how much you can love until you have children. I always thought secretly that that was a little presumptuous considering my capacity for love and the people in my life that I love and have loved. They were right. Oh my god, the love. So much love. All day, every day, love. I won’t be able to give this kind of love at the office, and god knows I won’t get this kind of love. And I will miss it. Other things I will miss? Curling up with him in my bed for naps. Gently kissing his fuzzy baby head. Tracing designs on his face with my nose, eyes closed, and smelling his Baby Magiced baby skin. Hearing him sigh, exhaling with a little hum as he senses my presence and falls asleep tucked under my arm, utterly content.
I will miss the way he watches me. I have never had a man look at me with such fascination, trust and adoration. I have never known a man to listen so well, cry when I leave, fall asleep in my arms. At least, not every day. I relish the moments and I’m not ready to let any of it go. I know that he will tear the house apart as a toddler, wreck cars as a teenager, and ignore me and the advice I myself ignored as a young adult. Until then, I want to enjoy every minute and there is so much happening right now. This week he started smiling and making sounds. Not quite laughing, but something close. In the two short months I have known him, he has been more fun and more fulfilling than I ever thought a little person could be. Oh my god how I am going to miss him.
I think you'd be something less than human if you didn't feel torn at this juncture. My friend here in town went through the exact same feelings a couple of months ago. She's found her job to be oddly fulfilling since returning, but in a completely different way than before. Maybe this sounds weird, but she appreciates it more knowing exactly how unimportant it is in the grand scheme of things...
Posted by: AVERAGE JOE | October 19, 2004 at 11:21 AM
I cannot imagine. I almost weep leaving the pooches at home during the day, so... Yet I also think that going back to work forces you to keep your life in perspective and balance -- you need to make time for The Boy, but you also need to make time for you, for your spouse, for your career... Maintaining that balance seems to be a difficult task these days, but I have great faith in you!
Posted by: cjd | October 19, 2004 at 12:58 PM